a very merry unbirthday

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Today is not a special day.  Today is not my birthday.  Today is Monday.  Today seems to be filled with the same mundane tasks  in my schedule—yet today, today felt like something more when I woke up this morning.  When I woke up very late 10 minutes ago, thus making myself unable to attend class—yet, I woke today feeling refreshed, feeling content, feeling like it is a special day, and I knew.

I knew today was the day to get back to my blog.  It has been in the works for a month now.  I have been privately editing and making tiny adjustments, writing blog posts only as drafts to never be published, only saved for the “right time.”  I was waiting to make my comeback worth while, make it perfect, but as a testament to all of the growth I have made these past few months, I knew it will never be “perfect.”

So here lies my first blog post in almost eight months.  It feels so good to be back publicly again (not like I haven’t been Instagramming still or anything).  It was a much needed journey away I had to undergo myself, and boy, was my soul opened up.  I will share more in the future about my growth and awakening I am sure.  I am in such a peaceful place in my life.  It feels almost inauthentic though to write that considering the past two weeks I have had, but it is true.  Writing it out makes me realize and understand it even more.

Hear me out:

Just because your external world is topsy turvy, doesn’t mean your internal self has to suffer. 

Yesterday was a shaky day for me, I admit.  It was a day when everything you have been dealing with in the past two weeks finally is too much weight to bear and you just break down.  I felt that.  I felt it hard.

Nothing has changed today, though.  Today, I still have a loaded schedule.  I still have an exam tonight.  I still have an exam Wednesday.  I am still an engineer.  I still feel like the square peg and the round hole metaphor…

Yet today, today I am not letting my internal self suffer.  I am not shoving the peg in the hole, just observing it and the fact that it will not fit today, nor tomorrow, nor ever, and that’s just okay, because I wasn’t meant to fit in such a round space.

So maybe today is special, because I’m making it special.  It’s the day I start blogging again.  It’s the day I settle back into my peaceful interior.  It’s the day I practice kindness and compassion and understanding with myself and others.

It’s my especially unspecial, special day.  A very merry unbirthday, to me!

peace & love,

Emily

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